- Secondary Gain -
What are you getting from your problem that invites it to remain?
“I hate being fat! I feel lumpy and lethargic and uncomfortable! Why do I keep eating what I know will make me “fatter?”
I can’t stand living in this mess! I hate stepping over piles, not being able to find what I want when I want it, and I’m tired of looking at it all!”
But I don’t change.
Why? Am I lazy? Not at all. I get lots done in other areas. I am perfectly able and confident in many other areas of my life, but why do these trip me up? (Pun intended?) I’ve learned that there are reasons for everything. Even the ‘bad’ things that we are ‘stuck’ in, are serving us in some way. Otherwise we would never continue in their practice.
I remember hearing a client talk about their issues with weight. He spoke about the comfort that he gained when he sat down with a huge meal like his mother used to make him . He received comfort, a feeling of safety and a trip back to a simpler time 0 escape. He also spoke about his worry that he wasn’t as faithful in heart as he wanted to be. He loved his wife, but always struggled with self-worth, and if he was ‘buff’ he would be more appealing, get more attention, and it would be more difficult to keep his mind clear of temptations. He received: Safety, a cushion of protection, a perceived defense against infidelity. He mentioned that he liked the ‘jolly’ persona that he was labeled with. He felt more comfortable at parties being the ‘jokester’ and laughing about his weight was an often-used intro to conversations. He received: A place in society that he knew. An audience. A deamon he was familiar with.
Beginning to see?
What would a ‘mess’ give the one who wanted to be free of it? Why didn’t they just toss? What in your life is bugging you? Can you make a list of the POSITIVE things this NEGATIVE thing offers and rewards that keep you shackled to its demands? Are there other ways to receive the same rewards? Can you step away from the Negative and create a new positive expression that gives the same or similar rewards? If you can, you are well on your way to freedom from whatever it is that you wish to unhook yourself from.